Parenting Types and Children's Needs

Parenting is a difficult task. There is a lot of pressure and risk involved as parents are in charge of protecting and preparing their children for the rest of their lives. There are different types of parenting, but there are three that I will touch on. Autocratic, permissive, and active (also called authoritative or democratic) parenting. 

In an autocratic parenting situation, there are typically frequent battles with your children. There are power struggles that probably come from anger and frustration at your child and what they are doing. This type of parenting can cause a lot of rebellion as the child wants to make choices, but is not able to because of how you (as a parent) handle the situations. A way to combat this is to offer choices (that are situation and age appropriate) and teach them the consequences of their actions as doing so teaches them responsibility. Letting children learn from natural consequences is essential, EXCEPT when 1) it is too dangerous, 2) the lesson is too far in the future to be relevant, and 3) when someone else could get hurt from their actions. In permissive parenting on the other hand, the parents typically have a good relationship with their children as long as the child (or children) get what they want. If they don’t get what they want then they are prone to getting hostile, throwing tantrums etc. Their relationship is characterized by service and pleasing, but in only one direction. This can cause children to feel as if they have too much power, which can be scary for them. In an active parenting environment, there is a positive relationship between the parents and children. Yes, problems can (and will) occur, but there is mutual respect, trust, and teamwork. In all parenting types, there are specific needs that the children need, and those are; contact and belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. When those are not met there are many different negative things that can occur.

When children do not get the contact (physical contact - cuddling, loving etc), then they will not develop properly. There are studies that show that this is the case. However, when the need is not met, then children will often act out in hopes of getting more attention. This is called undue attention seeking. To prevent this from occurring, offer contact freely. Be okay with physical touch and affection, just teach boundaries and what is okay and not okay. For me personally, I grew up in a home where my mom was not comfortable if we were physically affectionate to one another. For us, there was typically one hug and a kiss each day when we went to bed, and often a back rub. We knew we were loved and that we belonged, but at least for me, I was a little starved of physical contact. Because of the culture I grew up in, I was scared of physical affection. Like for instance, my sister and I would give each other hugs (she was going through some really rough stuff, and I knew that hugging helped build trust and helped people feel loved) but my mom would comment that it would make her uncomfortable when we would have a hug that wasn’t super quick. And I get it, that was the culture she grew up in, but for me, I want to make sure that my kids have lots of physical affection and know that they are loved. Children also need to feel like they belong, this can be accomplished through helping and serving others, chores, and taking care of pets within the family unit.

Often when children do not have the protection they need, they will act in revenge, in hopes that then people will respect them, but in reality, it tends to be that people fear them. To prevent this from occurring, you (as a parent) can teach assertiveness and forgiveness. Children also need to know how to take breaks and then be able to go at whatever they were doing again. That can help them learn how to master something over a long period of time, and not get down on themselves if they are not able to master or finish something all at once. This can prevent undue avoidance, which occurs when children are not taught that they are able to withdraw from something. As parents, the children should be encouraged to build skills, which helps them realize that they can do hard things, and they can stretch their abilities. When this is not done, then they may take crazy risks to have a challenge.